


What I'm Made Of

by cryinghannie



Series: APPREHENSIONS [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Brief mention of suicide at the end of the chapter, Jeonghan has Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attack, Self Harm, jeongcheol - Freeform, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-14 18:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20605457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryinghannie/pseuds/cryinghannie
Summary: Despite Seungcheol's and Joshua's best efforts to keep Jeonghan vocal and open about his inner struggles, Jeonghan retreats away from the members and puts up his walls.OR Jeonghan doesn't want to worry or burden the members so he tries to handle his panic disorder alone





	What I'm Made Of

**Author's Note:**

> This red wall winces continually:  
A red fist, opening and closing,  
Two grey, papery bags-  
This is what i am made of, this, and a terror  
Of being wheeled off under crosses and rain of pietas.

**April 6, 2019**

They celebrated Mingyu's birthday on stage. The cake was wheeled out. They sang Happy Birthday. Everyone was happy and all the Carat's smiles brightened the stadium. It was a good day and nothing could ruin it. The concert ended with everyone fooling around and laughing, already hunting for the left over cake as they trickled back into the dressing room. Everybody was more energized after the concert, rather than being exhausted. 

Jeonghan, as usual, was an exception. He was happy, but he was tired. He was the first one out of his clothes and the first one wiping his face off. For once, his mind wasn't swamped with negative and anxious thoughts. 

Seungcheol came up behind him, sliding a hand over his waist and pulling him close. 

"Did you have some cake?" he asked, kissing Jeonghan's shoulder. 

Jeonghan shook his head. "No, I'm on a diet, remember?"

"So am I," Seungcheol shrugged. "But it's a celebration, so it doesn't count." 

Jeonghan gave him a doubtful side glance and threw his makeup wipe into the trash. Seungcheol continued to cling onto Jeonghan, his chin resting on his shoulder as he looked at their reflection in the mirror.

"You did well today," Seungcheol mumbled, rocking them side to side. 

Behind them, Seungkwan took a birthday selfie with Mingyu, Chan saying he wanted to join in before popping into the shot as well. 

"I did my best." Jeonghan twisted out of Seungcheol's hold so he could remove his contact lenses. 

"That's all anyone could ask for," Seungcheol said. He planted a kiss on the back of Jeonghan's head before going to get cleaned up himself. 

Jeonghan's stomach twisted as he pulled the lenses from his eyes. Seungcheol didn't know about the near panic attack he'd dealt with alone in the bathroom during rehearsals. No one knew about the panic attack he'd had in the bathroom earlier. Nor did anyone know about the last two panic attacks he'd had that week, nor did anyone know about the new bruise he was nursing on his hip. The members didn't know that they were in the dark about Jeonghan's quickly deteriorating mental state. The face that Jeonghan was starting to put up covered up more and more as the days went on.

When the time came for them to leave the venue, it was nearly midnight. They climbed into the vans, exhausted. In the vocal unit van, Jihoon fell asleep immediately, covering his eyes with his cap. Joshua was leaning back, his eyes closed, but was awake and laughing at Seungkwan and DK's conversation every now and then. In the front seat, Jeonghan numbly stared out the window as the cars beside them. He couldn't wait to slide into bed and pass out. He was sleeping more than usual. Or maybe, not more than usual, but heavier than usual. Waking up was getting to be impossible. 

"Jeonghan-ah, are you asleep?" Joshua asked, peering at Jeonghan's form.

"No," Jeonghan hummed absently. He subtly pushed a palm against his bruise, face barely twitching at the deep seated pain. 

"Aren't you tired?" Seungkwan questioned. 

Jeonghan turned around finally, looking into the backseat at Seungkwan and DK. "I'm alright. Should I be tired?" 

"Ah, no, you just usually sleep on the ride back to hotel after a concert," Seungkwan said. "You must be feeling good."

"I'm alright," Jeonghan repeated, turning back around. 

They returned to the hotel and disappeared into their individual rooms. Jeonghan and Seungcheol were roommates and they didn't even bother mussing up the second bed. Jeonghan just got right into bed. He would sleep in his sweatpants and t-shirt that he'd put on after the concert. Seungcheol showered first, and then got into bed in just his underwear, snuggling right up to Jeonghan. They didn't speak that night, both of them too exhausted to have conversation. Seungcheol rubbed Jeonghan's arm. 

Jeonghan slept that night, hugged tightly in Seungcheol's embrace. He woke up a few times throughout the night for no particular reason and simply stared at the darkness. Around four thirty, he got out of bed and crept into the bathroom. He pulled down the waistband of his sweatpants and looked at the bruise in the mirror. It was growing darker and was starting to hurt whenever he moved. Pulled his pants up again and washed his hands before leaving the bathroom and climbing back into bed, snuggling up to Seungcheol. 

"Everything okay?" Seungcheol mumbled, still mostly asleep. He wrapped his arm around Jeonghan's shoulders. 

"Fine," Jeonghan whispered in return, hugging Seungcheol's chest and resting his cheek on his shoulder. He slept through the rest of the night. 

* * *

**April 11, 2019**

They had a day off amidst their Japan concerts. Jeonghan took the opportunity to sleep until his body woke up on it's own. He was rooming with Chan this time, but by the time Jeonghan woke up (sometime around 1:00pm) Chan was out sightseeing with some of the others. The midday light was coming in through the window and making the hotel room warm. There was a banana, orange and bottle of water on the desk with a note on it reading,

_Have something to eat, hyung~ And drink the water too! You worked hard yesterday and deserve a rest. - Love, Channie_

Jeonghan smiled to himself, sitting down in the chair and picking up the orange. He peeled it slowly, rereading the note. After arriving back at the hotel after the concert yesterday, Jeonghan was irritable and was sharp with Chan as they got ready for bed. He remembered snapping at Chan when he laughed at something on his phone as Jeonghan was trying to sleep. His stomach sank and filled with acid immediately after snapping at Chan, but his throat closed up with frustrated tears when he tried to apologize. 

Jeonghan made a mental note to apologize to to Chan when he saw him later, as well as thank him for the food and note. 

He ate the banana and orange and sipped on the water as he checked social media and scrolled through his phone. The group chat had a handful of texts, and Jeonghan had a few private messages directly from Joshua. He opened those one.

_ **Shua ** _ _Are you awake yet?_

** _Shua_ ** _ Do you want to come with Vernon and I to a cafe down the street? Apparently they have good desserts_

** _Shua_ ** _ Okay, Chan said you're still asleep so we'll go without you_

** _Shua_ ** _ Read this message if you're alive_

Jeonghan typed out a quick _Awake_ and sent it to Joshua. He wondered what the others were doing and went to read up on the group chat. It looked like Seungkwan, Mingyu and Chan had gone out to a pop-up carnival that was happening; Joshua and Vernon had gone in search of delicious food with Seungcheol and Jun. Minghao, DK, and Hoshi had gone shopping. And Jihoon and Wonwoo seemed to just be staying in their hotel rooms. Jeonghan figured he would go see what they were up to. 

He left his own room and padded down the hall in his slippers to Jihoon's room that he was sharing with Joshua. He knocked on the door and waited. About fifteen seconds passed before Jihoon opened up the door and let Jeonghan in. 

"What's up?" he asked, flopping back onto his bed. 

Jeonghan spread out on Joshua's bed and answered, "Just wanted to see what you were up to. What are you doing?" 

"I was listening to a podcast."

"Cool, cool," Jeonghan said. "You can keep listening to it. I won't bother you. I just felt like being around someone." 

Jihoon thanked Jeonghan and then put his headphones back on, closing his eyes as he played the podcast. Jeonghan just sat with his thoughts for a little while, thinking that he was feeling surprisingly good after his twelve hour sleep. He was surprised that Wonwoo wasn't with Jihoon, the two hanging out and doing nothing together, but neither of the two were the type to care for company if they just wanted to do nothing anyways. 

Jeonghan texted Joshua. 

** _Jeonghan _ ** _When are you coming back? _

Joshua texted back almost immediately. 

_**Shua **In an hour? Why? Are you okay? _

** _Jeonghan _ ** _I'm fine. Just bored_

** _Shua _ ** _Wonwoo and Jihoonie-ah aren't entertaining you enough? :( _

Jeonghan left Joshua on read. He rolled off of the bed and went to the window, looking out at the city. It was bustling and busy. Jeonghan wondered what he was missing out on with the others. He would have liked to have gone to the carnival Chan, Mingyu and Seungkwan. But it was probably best that he got to catch up on his sleep. Concerts had been more draining than usual since Jeonghan started dealing with his anxiety and panic attacks alone. It was just that much more on his shoulders. 

Jeonghan turned away from the window and left the room, saying he was going to see what Wonwoo was doing. He wasn't sure if Jihoon had heard him. He went diagonally across the hall and knocked on Wonwoo's door. 

"Hello," Wonwoo said simply, letting Jeonghan in. This time, Jeonghan took up position on Vernon's bed, tossing a Bluetooth speaker out of his way. Wonwoo sat back down in the chair by the window and slurped on his ramen. 

"You didn't want to go out?" Jeonghan asked him. 

Wonwoo sniffed, chewing lethargically. "I was going to go with Vernonie to a cafe, but I didn't really feeling like getting changed. Why aren't you out with them?"

"I just woke up," Jeonghan admitted, shamelessly. 

"You didn't sleep well?" 

Jeonghan shook his head. "I slept fine. I just must have been more tired from yesterday's concert than I thought." 

Wonwoo hummed, continuing to scroll through his phone. They laid together in the room comfortably, not speaking but just appreciating the other's company. Eventually, the rest of the members started to return. Vernon came back with a shopping bag, putting it on the bed at Jeonghan's feet. He was humming to himself as he put the jacket on and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Jeonghan's phone vibrated.

_**Shua **Brought back some cheesecake for you. I'm in Seungcheol and Mingyu's room. Come get it before we eat it_

Jeonghan excused himself and hurried down the hall. He could hear Mingyu and Seungcheol behind the door as he knocked. 

Seungcheol opened the door and grabbed Jeonghan's hips, dragging him into the room. 

Jeonghan cried out and violently pulled away as Seungcheol's fingers dug into the bruise. The three immediately quieted down, looking at Jeonghan in confusion. Jeonghan's face burned in embarrassment and he apologized, brushing Seungcheol's hand as he sat down on the edge of Mingyu's bed gently. Seungcheol and Joshua exchanged looks, but didn't mention their suspicions. 

"Anyways," Joshua said in English, turning around and grabbing a takeout container. He handed it to Jeonghan. "For you. Strawberry cheesecake. Mingyu ate the strawberries that were on top." 

Jeonghan pouted at Mingyu, but ate the dessert deliciously nonetheless. Mingyu and Seungcheol connected their PlayStation switch to the television and started a game. Joshua and Mingyu sat on Mingyu's bed, while Jeonghan picked at his cheesecake beside Seungcheol. Seungcheol had one of his ankles hooked around Jeonghan's. 

For the remainder of the evening, Seungcheol and Mingyu played on the switch. They ordered room service for dinner. They had a few drinks. When Mingyu went to the washroom, Joshua rolled over to face the other two and asked, "What's wrong with your hip?" 

"Huh?" Jeonghan asked, pretending he didn't know what Joshua was talking about. 

Joshua gave him a look. "Your hip. Is it bruised?" 

Seungcheol was studying the side of Jeonghan's face quietly. 

"No, Seungcheol just hit a nerve or something," Jeonghan lied, laughing it off. 

Joshua sighed, chewing his lip doubtfully. "Well, you would let us know if you had hurt yourself, right?" 

Guilt gnawed at Jeonghan's stomach as he nodded, quietly saying, "Of course." But wasn't it too late to tell them now? It would feel ridiculous if he told them now that he'd been darkening the bruise on his hip for the past two weeks, as well as been having panic attacks in the bathroom without telling anyone. It was too late to admit anything now.

Then Mingyu returned and distracted Joshua and Seungcheol from Jeonghan again as they started the game again. Jeonghan cleared his throat and said, "I'm going to go to bed." He kissed Seungcheol quickly and got up, going back to his own room. 

"Hey, thanks for the fruit earlier," Jeonghan said, entering and seeing Chan. 

"Oh, yeah, no problem. Did you have a good day?" Chan answered, looking up from his laptop. 

Jeonghan nodded. He started to change into pyjamas and got ready for bed. Once he planted himself back into bed, he picked up his phone. Another text from Joshua. 

** _Shua _ ** _we have practice tomorrow morning, want me to come get you when I wake up?_

_**Jeonghan **sure. Good night_

Before going to sleep, he watched a few hours of YouTube. He fell asleep with a tight chest, but ignored it and pushed it to the back of his mind. 

* * *

Jeonghan woke up halfway through the night already entrapped in a panic attack. He'd dreamed that he had killed himself, died of suicide because he was so exhausted from putting up with the constant fear and terror, and was being wheeled off under crosses as the members attended his funeral. 

Chan woke up to light pooling out of the bathroom and Jeonghan gagging in front of the toilet as he violently hit his fist against his hip. Jeonghan begged him not to call any of the other members, begged the youngest to not tell them. 

All Chan could do was mutely nod his head and rub Jeonghan's back.


End file.
